Don't act like y'all don't know where we be neither.

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Wednesday, November 2, 2011


I stopped at one of my favorite accounts today. I'd arranged to meet a sales rep there but he was runnin' late so I just went on in to talk with the owner until he got there.

The owner's a big fella...over six foot tall with a frame like an offensive lineman. Even though his belly's as big around as his shoulders are broad...he's light on his feet. Got hands as big as an elephant's foot and when he grabs your's to shake it there's a flicker of apprehension...does this fella know his own strength?

No need to worry. He does and he's in no hurry to use it. In fact, even though there's an air of enthusiasm to every move he makes, he don't get in a hurry about nothin'. Always smilin'...a smile that's big even for his head. Teeth the size of dominoes. His eyes are clear blue and and active.

"Hey mayne...whatchya got fow me today?"

He reached for my hand.

"Getchya some tey mayne...get somma this tey I'm sellin now."

Who turns down a glass of iced tea?

"Wadya got dere's dark mayne. 'At must be unsweet. 'At unsweet's stout. So, wha kinda goodies you got fow me?"

We sat down at a card table in the middle of the store and went through my bag. He set a few items aside, and without turning from me threw a thumb over his shoulder and said..."I'll have ta let my mayne here have a look at 'eese."

I looked behind him to see a little wiry fella comin on toward a deliberate manner. He was already bending at the waist so he wouldn't have to when he got to the table. He quickly scanned the items and, with the manners of a short order cook, he snatched one up..."This ' much is is 'ere?"

I told him we'd have to wait on the rep for prices. They have some latitude in that area and the last thing I want to do is get in the way of a rep's nickel.

"Well wha 'bou' dis? How much," he stopped hisself, "the rep...I reckon we just talked abou'dat." he shook his head and smiled at me. It was a genuine smile but thin. He's a dark fella...dark hair and eyes that seemed stuck in a forward position. He's a good fella though...even if he did stare at everything.

A chorus of "Heys"..."'ere's the big man."

The rep settled in to take their order from the little fella with the stare. I nursed my tea and laughed at the owner as he greeted the ladies that came through his door. He'd lift the Alabama cap off his sandy curls..."hey there you been?" A peroxide in movie star glasses had just pulled the door open and he was reaching for his cap again when we heard his man ask the rep about condensed milk.

The little fella had a crooked smile on his face and the owner chuckled.

"He don need no damned condensed milk. He's got three cases of it back there."

Obviously there was a story here but me and the rep didn't get a chance to ask before the owner, with a smile that didn't seem exactly Christian, says..."you need to take that milk over that church. They's makin holiday candy."

"Ain't gonna happen."

"What...the Lord'll bless you for it. You don won the Lord to bless you."

"Them people got inta me for some money." the expression on his face seemed intense but really it was hard to tell.

The expression on the owners face was pure mischief. This was obviously a well oiled wind up.

"Who's into you for money? The people or the Lord?"

The philosophical nature of the question threw the little fella and he stammered.

Still grinnin' like he'd eaten the last Twinkie, he asked again, "Don't You want the Lord to bless you?"

The little fella's head started bobblin'. He didn't know whether to nod it or shake it. He stared down at the table like that for a second then looked up, hit the table with his fists and said, "I'll just go BUY some candy and hand it out myself."

Hahaha problem solved.

That was my day.


  1. You've got a way with words e.f. that makes the reader feel as though they are there with you, seeing what you saw.
    "a smile that's big even for the size of his head...teeth the size of dominoes" - nice touches.

  2. Thank you ma'am. We aim to please.

    Of course a lot of the people I meet in these parts make it easy.

  3. Glad to hear it.

    Some of these people I spend my days with are real messes (characters).

  4. Far off topic, yet again, but I was watching, the other night, the latest episode of Bored to Death - comedy-drama on HBO in its third season (great performances from Ted Danson BTW). Anyway, there was a clip featured in it from a 1971 Robert Mitchum interview (my year of birth, but I draw no conclusion from that weak coincidence). It kinda highlighted for me a golden era, the end of which I just caught the cusp of as it faded to grey.

    Here's an extended part of the interview from which the clip I saw was taken:

    The guy is clearly drunk, but really cogent, funny, amusing; charismatic. And troubled. To not be trouble by this world is be in a state of catatonic amnesia beyond which mere moonshine can render. The mix of vulnerability, together with self-confidence, is something you rarely see today and refreshing to witness again.

  5. Should your off topic spells ever become unwelcomed I'll let you is not that day.

    Besides, who's the pinko that thinks a Robert Mitchum reference is ever out of place?

    I'll check the clip when I get home.

    Me and Martha loved the first season of Bored to Death....we need to watch the others.

  6. "Grinning like he'd eaten the last twinkie." I know that expression.

  7. I bet you do. You'd probably hide the last one. :)

  8. natetin - amazing half-mast trouser legs on the interviewer...

    yip, Mitchum is a man you'd want to go to the pub with.

    tho this pinko was a bit rattled by his interview here -

  9. All these youtube clips that I can't watch at the moment.

    We love our pinkos here...we're overrun with 'em actually.

    We just get a kick out of the occasional cold-war slur.

  10. ... not the most nuanced of geopolitical views, but it's one that our political leaders seem fond of ... but still ... rather that drink with Mitchum than Keanu Reeves.

  11. ... and no, Mel Gibson, you're not invited.

  12. Who was the last actor or entertainer that made a lucid point on much of anything beyond their craft.

    The only thing that keeps Reeves out of my voodoo doll collection was his part in The River's Edge.

  13. Jimmy Stewart flew his last bombing mission in Vietnam ... John Wayne was a supporter of that war along with a lot of other famous actors ... and there was Regan, not a great actor when it came to lying about the Iran-Contra affair, so in keeping with the rest of his screen career ... he also called Vietnam a "noble cause".

    I don't admire Mitchum for his stance on Vietnam, he was plain ugly wrong. But it's a fair point: suppose he was still around supporting Iraq and Afghanistan? Both wars I think were initiated on false premises, deliberately so, then I think I'd be far less favorably disposed to the Mitch, which probably makes me a hypocrite. In any case, it's interesting what we chose to overlook in other people and how consistent we are - or in this case, I am.

    So may be I'd have that drink, but I'm not sure how long I'd stay.

  14. I breathe a deep sigh of relief... no Mel Gibson...phew...

  15. Agreed on all points lads. It is interesting indeed what we chose to overlook. My father is an old bigot - unreconstructed West of Scotland male with prehistoric views on race, religion, colour, sexuality and etc - but i still love him... Mind you I would never go to the pub with him!

  16. Not seen The River's Edge, but I'm prepared to give him a chance. Used to think Ben Affleck was a square-jawed dufus, but the last two films he directed were really promising. Not sure what his stance on war is, but I suspect he's a commie loving pinko ;-)

  17. Invitation to Ben - he can get the first round in.

  18. la mujer libre, I think, on further reflection, since I watched that clip again, I'd still go for the drink, but I'd have a moral obligation to challenge him on that stance, which is way out of line and may be I'd walk away without as much rose tint on my glass lenses than before. Probably why certain icons should be best viewed from afar.

  19. Let me tell y'all somethin'...if there's even a possibility that Mel Gibson's gonna get rip roarin' drunk, there's no way I'm turning down a front row seat for that. :)

    You have to see the River's Edge...or I'll ban you. It was made in 86. I think it was Reeves's first real role and because he's playing a stoned teenager*...he's perfect for the part.

    *An actual stoned teenager...not the cartoon character from Bill and Ted's.

  20. Funny the picture on IMBD has Keanu's giant face on it...not so on the original theatrical poster.

    Pretty sure Dennis Hooper was the only real name in that movie at the time.

  21. haha like the reasoning e.f. - I guess a front-row seat for the a*hole Mel's performance would be something.
    and natetin - yes, our icons/idols generally do have clay feet... the main reason I never have liked the "hero" concept. Scottish "heroes" tend to look a lot like this -

  22. Rab C Nesbitt - my hero... hope you can understand the accent.

  23. Rab C Nesbitt is cut from an entirely different (tartan) cloth, he is the anti-hero hero-hero. That show was so ahead of its time.

  24. Used to piss myself laughing at it when I was a kid. Now realise he is every man at my wee local pub... ahhh there's a thought - I am surrounded by anti-hero hero-heroes on my night out in Maisie's Bar...

  25. I'll check it out at the house. The only time I've ever had trouble with English was in Cork, Ireland...and I still don't believe it was actually English.

    You two Pinkos have made my afternoon...I've been stuck in the office sending emails (after a ridiculous morning at an old folks home).

    I think y'all deserve a tag for it...maybe a couple.

  26. See, we pinkos have our uses e.f.

    If it is any comfort, the Irish "take" on English baffles me too - and I have a whole bumper crop of Irish family...

    You will enjoy the clips. That is - of course - an order. And there is nowt like a totalitarian pinko for quality order-giving.

  27. Rants are an art and that was a masterpiece.

    I'm gonna teach The Boy to say I'm Donald Duck if I know.

    Ring worm...hahaha.

    As for Mitchum

    Talking about cockroaches is the only time you should ever hear the phrase kill em all....but I'd still go for the drink. It's Robert Mitchum playing the character of Robert in the first interview...that's interesting. That Robert Mitchum...the one that's high as a Georgia pine...was cool. Just cool.

    Nat you gotta get some of those shades.

  28. Haha. like I have said e.f. I do appreciate your style.
    My own lads memorised Rab C - though they've moved onto Frankie Boyle now (natetin will know all about Frankie I think...). Wish they had stayed with Rab...
    What the Mitchum interviews do is make me wonder if actors ever do know who they are - if they ever aren't playing a part. I suspect the answers are (like the rest of us?) no and they aren't ever not playing a part.
    I agree - Nat needs to get the shades.

  29. I've watched that thing about 10 gets funnier every time but it's also a brilliant characterization. It seems really authentic and familiar...but off the wall at the same time. Like people really are sometimes.

    I think the best actors, or the most successful, are the one's that have totally forgotten who they are. One reason they should never be trusted.

  30. There's another Scottish comedy you might appreciate e.f. - Still Game...

    Try this -

    (premise is - age is no barrier to being fact it might even be a help!)

  31. Those two are a mess.

    You have doomed some Sunday afternoon in the near future with these clips.

  32. Arghhhh...I got another funny look from Netflix after searching for either of the shows.

  33. Damn that netflix! These shows are grubby dirty little comedic diamonds.

  34. Damn netflix indeed. Wish I could say it was the first or the last time they've let me down.

    I'll find a way.