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Friday, October 19, 2012

Slots, Sleeping Pills and Blueberry Muffins

Tuesday night I stayed in Baton Rouge...a non-smoking room at a Hampton Inn. I was lucky to get one at all.

Y'all remember Issac? The category one hurricane that come through Louisiana and Mississippi a few months ago? People are still down there "cleaning up"...cashing government checks to do it no doubt.

So, I'm still havin' to take what I can get in the area. Smoking becomes a real chore...Down the elevator...out the door...back in the door (which is locked for your protection)...up the elevator. What a hassle...all that walking.

It has an adverse effect on the blogging too. I can't do this crap without easy access to cigarettes That's right, I'm sacrificing minutes of my life for y'all...which, according to gov. propaganda, would go on forever if I walked more and didn't smoke.

I just don't stay in those rooms. I go where a human can still be. I go to the Casino. There I can sit and smoke indoors. The only walking I have to do is to the bathroom or from the Kenny Rogers Gambler to the Kitty Glitter slot machines. It might cost me twenty bucks...but, on the other hand, I could win big and walk out of there with enough money to make it sprinkle.

There are table games...Black Jack or Py Gow Flying Nija 4 card poker,etc. Those require way too much thinking and effort (you have to pick up the cards and look at them...toss them basic Math). I'm not there to work, or think...I'm there to sit on my butt and smoke...with a glazed over look...hypnotized by the clink or the thunk of each slot falling into place, by the regular calls from a pleasant voice.."Cocktails? Drink? Cocktails?" Only to be awakened by the dazzling lights and fireballs of a jackpot. A jackpot I had no control over...a cosmic gift.

Eventually, even degenerate penny gamblers like myself have to go home.*  Back to the room where I can't smoke and nobody brings me coffee...where I can only flip the channels without hope of a two dollar jackpot. It sucks. There's really nothing for it but to go to sleep.

That can be a problem. In the quiet, my mind becomes as restless as my body is lazy. The dumbest things will set my mind racing...tomorrow, should I work in Baton Rouge long enough to have dinner at Zippy's Tacos. That's gonna put me in Leesville pretty late...but man, those are some good tacos.

Stupid ***.

That's when I reach for the sleepy time. Of course, it's not a magic pill. I'm usually jacked up on coffee and the adrenaline that comes from being on the verge of losing 50 cents for hours on end. After chewing up the pill there's probably 30 minutes before things go wobbly...then dark. During that half hour, for whatever reason, the stuff drives my sweet tooth crazy.

This presented a problem Tuesday night. I didn't have anything in the room.  The only vending machines in the place were for Cokecolas.  Sometimes they put cookies out at the front desk...worth a shot. It was not worth putting my shoes on though. I know y'all are used to only seeing pictures of me perfectly quaffed but my hair does get a little kinky after dark and on a pompadoor that's been exploded with a cheery bomb.

So off I go...fright wig, find something sweet. Poor kid at the front desk looked a little scared I, wavering slightly, demanded to know where the cookies were.

"You got anything sweet back 'ere brother?"

"Uhhh no I'm sorry sir."

That's when I noticed the box of breakfast items for the next mornings to-go bags.

"Hey...what about them muffins man?"

I'm sure he thought I was high as a kite..upstairs hittin' the bong in my non-smoking room and it was with noticeable relief in his face (anything to get rid of me) that he handed me a blueberry muffin.

One muffin'?  He obviously didn't understand. I was gettin' ready to ask for another when the phone rang. So, while he reached for the that, I lunged across the counter and snatched up more muffins then scurried off back to my room.

The next morning, I woke to find crumbs and wrappers scattered around the desk. At least I hadn't eatin' them in bed.

It's hard out there on the road.

*I suppose if I drank while I was gambling I might be more inclined to stay there all night but, I haven't stooped that low yet. I do drinks all their coffees though.


  1. HA HA best line ever

    like a pompadoor that's been exploded with a cheery bomb.
    Made me smile.

    The blueberry muffin, is the weakest member of the muffin family, they could have splashed out on double choc chip

    1. I'm gonna be in trouble at the house if I don't get it cut's gettin' outta hand.

      They had chocolate chip cookies earlier in the evening. That, of course, is what I was looking for.

  2. You clearly are all insane, blueberry muffins are delicious.

    I bet you looked like that alien inside that dude in Men in Black that comes in asking for Sugar, ha ha ha. this fella:

    That poor kid.

    1. No I didn't look anything like that...I have a beard.

  3. SO funny! I juat have this glorious vision of you with mad hair and no shoes snatching those muffins and scurrying off with them - and I'm sure the hotel staff are still playing, rewinding and replaying the CCTV footage, purely for their own amusement, as I type this.

    1. Hahahahahha...crap! The cameras!

      I've left a trail of humiliation across Mississippi and Louisiana.

  4. OMG a non smoking room how ever do you cope. I was naughty when I traveled a lot always got a smoking room that way if I had a big sale could lay back in my under ware with a bottle of scotch and suck on a Big fat Cuban or two... Used to love ordering room service the cigar smoke has a real smell to it :p

    As for slot machines, kinda got sick of them. I found when I had more money i spent more but still ended up drinking more coffee and then needing more sleeping tablets... something in that equation makes no sense.

    But I miss the road mate, I really do. Waking up not quite remembering what city town or country your in. Or what hotel your laying in. I miss the road itself the most, finding those places that only the locals know about. That lovely sleepy little place where everyone one knows your first name, ahh i miss it

    1. I've got a friend that supplies me with decent cigars but, what I really like is my pipe. I should give the smokes up for's just hard to go out for a quick smoke break with a pipe.

      I do enjoy it out there.

  5. What is with Americans and blueberry muffins? I'm with Sharron on this one. They're just never sweet enough - whenever I've eaten one, it's been like munching great flavourless clods of diabetic health food, and where's the fun in that? Cherry or raspberry flapjacks - now, that's rewarding food.

    I used to travel quite a lot to business conferences in various European cities and soon realised that the main problem was what to eat when it's two in the morning and you can't sleep because the air-conditioning's drying out your sinuses or there's only one crappy little pillow or the bloke in the next room is either "entertaining" or listening to CNN at full volume and you forgot your ear-plugs and you're due on the podium at 8.30 the next morning to talk about stuff you're not really interested in. The only things in the minibar are teensy-weensy chocolate bars that wouldn't satisfy a mosquito and bags with about three peanuts in them, all at about £5 a pop. The answer, I found, was to stock up flight-side at Heathrow with 7-Up, Pringles Crisps, Granny Smith apples and a decent quantity of Twix bars - i.e. a proper balanced diet. Problem solved (apart from waking up with a sinus headache from the air-con and most of the conference audience being hung-over.) Mind you, I'd managed to kick cigarettes by then. And sleeping pills. And coffee. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure I'd have needed Michael Jackson's doctor to get me to sleep.

    1. One thing about bein' around here is you can always find something to eat...anytime of day...IF you are fit to drive.

      I had a pack of Reese's Cups in the cooler but, they were gone before supper.

      Fortunately I don't have much sinus trouble becaus the only time I like it cold is when I'm trying to sleep.

      The rooms at the Hampton Inn are fairly sound proof but,I've been in some where everything could be heard in the next room...and one night in Corinth that was a whole lot.