Don't act like y'all don't know where we be neither.

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Tuesday, November 6, 2012

If Only They Actually Meant It

Elections always bring out the best in our "friends" up north.

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving.
"Legitimate rape."
We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country, The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
Citizen of the Enlightened States of America


Better Off Without Us


Sadly, they won't follow through.


  1. Their weed is only better because it's ours.

    1. The best weed in the country is grown at Ole Miss..smoked at Mississippi State.

    2. I'll believe it when I smoke it, sir.

    3. You'd have to steal it...the University grows it.

    4. Well, that's convenient.

      Maybe they can sell some seeds to Colorado and Washington.

  2. "We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
    You get Alabama."

    e.f. how do you feel about Alabama, as Alabama, being viewed as a punishment?

    Well e.f....Allan Hillman lives in Alabama and if you put together every male in new england over the age of wouldn't equal one of him. Never mind Mrs. Hillman.

    I'll take Alabama every day and twice on Sunday.

    Thank you e.f.

    Thanks for having me e.f.

  3. Well crap I just ended up deleting everything. Crap. I was just trying to completely remove something that a poster had deleted...I didn't want to leave those posts sitting out there if the poster didn't want them up anymore. I wasn't thinking about deleting all the responses.

    This thing went completely wacky.

    1. Jees, I get the option of winding you up about facist censorship, or being a computer retard... I choice is too much. I'll do a shortened version of mine again for you.

      F**k you Chuck, you leave my man and his sorts here alone, he's alright.

    2. You and I both know that I want nothing more than to wield dictatorial power over this planet..and that I would be neither kind or enlightened. I would squeeze ever last ounce of wealth and productivity out of you all...not to enrich myself but, merely because I could.

      Sadly, at this stage, I'm just computer illiterate.

  4. You're gettin' pretty good in the late-later stages of you misery.

  5. LOL man you get funnier by the week.Great post..

    1. It's Splif's fault...she brought up the weed.

    2. Yeah yeah I believe you. Im sure you seen some "native" plants in your travels :)