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Thursday, April 5, 2012

Yankees at Mack-Donalds

Sometimes I get a hankerin' for Mackdonald's Big Breakfast...pancakes, sausage, biscuit. It's good but, I'm always partial to the vacuous smell of clean when I'm putting things in my stomach.

That limits my options 'cause I wouldn't feel comfortable chewin' bubblegum in half of 'em that I walk into...and right back out of. Sadly, I've run up and down these roads so much that I know which ones are clean enough to eat in.

In Ocean Springs that'd be the one on to the front of the Walmart. It's new...the manager brings potted plants from home...and it has no unexpected, inexplicable odors.

Unfortunately, what it does have is five or six geriatric yankees that meet every morning to drink coffee and berate one another.

No statement goes unchallenged...

"If I was ganna travel...I'd fly into Ackapukuh*...

"NO...not Ackapukuh."

No? If he, with a desire to fly into Acapulco, sat down to make his own travel arrangements...he would not decide to fly into Acapulco? Really?

Their favorite subject is old age benefits...

"Ya ahtamaticaly quaalify fa that..."

"I didn't. They said I hada sign up fa it."

"Sambady lied to ya."

"'m nat ganna ahgu wit ya abat it.**"


All I can say is they must love it...just a peculiar form of amusement for 'em I reckon. I've never been in here when they weren't at it.

Maybe I shouldn't be so hung up on stink.

* pronounced Ahhhhhhh-caaah-po-cooo in Mississippi.

**I have spared the reader here by not giving a more accurate description of the sound by making every sentence one word.


  1. Ronald Smack Donalded: burgered to death by mechanically recovered and reconstituted slaughterhouse gutter scrapings sandwiched betwixt two toxic shells of genetically-engineered wheat-extract Styrofoam and laced with the fundament condiment extracted from the lactating teated pectorals of Satan himself.

    Philip K Dick predicted all this a long time ago in an amphetamine addled consommé of clarity, “A Scanner Darkly” - no doubt a nod to Corinthians 13:12 “through a mirror darkly” – via the literary conceit of the made-up drug “D” (“D” for “Death” or “McDeath” as I like to think of it), whose notable side-effects included premature brain death.

    The novel was a paranoid-consumerist nightmare recently filmed staring Keanu Reeves who got the foot-shuffling, cranial fluid dribble-leaking, spazzed-out drug bummer vibe, down pat, though I attribute that success more to the side of shrewd – if ever so slightly cynical – casting, than actual acting talent (no offence Mr Reeves, even if I could register such a response on your immobile, yet oddly youthful, features).

    1. I laughed about this for an hour while I was stuck in horrific traffic yesterday.

      I can say this, with one point in time they bought quality biscuits. That's all I'll say on the matter.

      If Philip K Dick doesn't bring Allan out of his off season hiatus....I give up.

  2. Perfectly timed post as on my way home through Gatwick Airport yesterday I could not resist the Sausage and Egg and Hash Brown and I have read Fast Food Nation, but sometimes .......
    the 'mechanically recovered and reconstituted slaughterhouse gutter scrapings sandwiched betwixt two toxic shells of genetically-engineered wheat-extract Styrofoam and laced with the fundament condiment extracted from the lactating teated pectorals of Satan himself' JUST TASTES SO GOOD, and it is a well known fact that when travelling through airports all time is suspended and nothing you eat or drink in them actually counts.

    1. Let's does taste good. Sometimes you just gotta have it.

      Good to see you back around Ms.Sharron.

  3. Smells in places I want to eat have seen me walk away. Think the most disgusting place I went to was an all you can eat affair. Paid the $$ to eat. Grabbed a plate and headed to the food. Everything was dirty or touched or sneezed on. The serving area which was stainless steel was filthy dirty.

    I asked to talk to the manager, who promptly told me if I didn't like it to make a complaint to the food officers with the local council and they weren't going to refund my $$.

    Long and short of it. They got shut down and fined lots of $$$ after my complaint to the state government about the standard of hygiene. Went above the local council be they never saw that coming.

    So no your not on your own on that one

    1. I work in and out of these places all day long.

      There are gas station kitchens where I'd happily sit on the floor and eat...I've been in white table cloth restaurants I wouldn't drink the coffee in after seeing the kitchen.

      You just never know.

      The only hard and fast rule I have...I don't eat where there's carpet. Digusting.

  4. I never said Satan's teat wasn't seductive, especially when it's proffered in the cupped, gloved hand of his masked assistant, The Ham-burger-lar … (despite the act, yes, they are working together): “You haven't touched your cheese burger!” … yeah, I suddenly decided I want to live … and why do you trowel foundation and smear lipstick all over you face like an LA crack-whore Ronald? I bet the kids ask you all the time.

    No touching.

  5. *especially when the devil-duct teat is lub-smeared in trans-fat: to avoid chaffing, of course*

  6. Can't you just pretend they're Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets?

    I ate at McDick's for the first time in well over a decade this last trip to Canada - amazing what pregnancy will do. I would have throttled a puppy to get at those fries and hashbrowns. The "meat" dishes I still wouldn't touch with a bargepole but this embryo's forcing me to keep an open mind.

    Otherwise I feel the place is the sole triumph of the free market providing necessary services. In most countries that are a little more pinko than the US and Canada, there are often reasonably clean public lavatories; while we lack those, we do have an unlimited number of McDonald's to do our business in without being questioned.

    1. I wish they were that my ears they just sound borish but, like I said they must enjoy it.

      That's true...the bathrooms are usually clean (though that's less of a concern for me) and,after it's cooled, the coffee's drinkable (keep in mind most of the coffee I drink comes from gas stations) and the wifi always works.

      When thy salted the fries properly there was nothing better.

  7. I imagine the high standard of hygiene in the bathrooms and, for that matter, the rest of the square-footage of these franchise restaurants, is related to the fact that we are dealing here with controlled substances ... facsimiles of food-stuffs grown in labs from chemicals whose names are essentially a combination of upper and lower case hieroglyphs on test tubes which only the high-priest alchemists of trans-global corporations can transcribe in toxicological terms when ingested by curly-tailed red-eyed rodents.

    My theory for the high standard of cleanliness in these bathroom facilities, is so that one doesn't notice the rancid traces of blood - indicative of systematic organ failure - in the products of micturition and defecation from the patrons who have "gone" before you.

    I prefer Burger King to McDs.

    1. This is just so wrong.

      Nat are you aware of the 'pink slime' controversy that's been going on over here...with the beef industry?

    2. Ah-huh, they're about to tax it at 20% here if gets hotter than room temperature and our Prime Minster can't recall correctly - AKA "pasty-gate" - last time he ate the hot pink stuff; not for the first time.

    3. When the jeerycan pops up...hahaha

      I want you all to know that I had a pasty just like week...I made it myself, in the dark and ate it in the linen closet.

  8. *I am available for catering services*

  9. I'm really not that fussy food-wise, but it pays to question what exactly you're putting in your mouth.